At least it's not parked in the front garden anymore

August 30, 2009

Today, Mattgreen managed to sell World's Ugliest Motorcycle to some poor, unsuspecting punter off Ebay. Mattgreen had joked in the auction that the bike "looks a treat. If you're legally blind".

Here is the beast:
Hmm. Anyway, Matt had rashly promised to deliver the bike anywhere in a 50 mile radius, but the winning bidder handily lived 100 miles away, so managed to talk Mattgreen (and therefore also me, by proxy) into meeting him halfway.

So off we went, Mattgreen on the bike, me and Izzy in the car. We were meant to be meeting in some hotel car park but we couldn't find it, and it turned out the other guy was lost too and he honked his horn and we both pulled up on a street corner to do the deal. When Matt showed the guy the paperwork, it turned out that the bike's MOT had run out yesterday. Matt was all, "oops! didn't realise!" and I was like "eek! shit! surely he's not going to want it now!" but a fool and his money are soon parted, and the guy did indeed purchase Mattgreen's manky bike and ride off on it.

Mattgreen got in the car, turned to me and said, "Ahh baby. You know you've made it when you've got a suspect bloke handing over cash to you in a dodgy back street, for a bike with a crappy neon yellow paint job and no MOT, in a horrible part of Slough. Stick with me, baby, stick with me"!


I am in bed, reading a diet magazine.

Mattgreen looks over my shoulder and reads out loud, unable to disguise the hint of disgust in his voice. "Shepherd's pie, made with minced lamb, carrot, onion, celery and canned chopped tomatoes". Mattgreen pauses for dramatic effect, then continues. His voice conveys most of the synonyms for disgust: abhorrence, distaste, loathing, nauseation, revulsion. "...topped with mashed swede and potato. Serve with peas and spinach!"

I laugh. Mattgreen continues, "... and for dessert... a box of matches! Then later on, you can caramelise the sugar on your low-fat creme brulee with your arse-torch".

How to motivate your child labour workforce

August 24, 2009

Isabel decided recently that she wanted to raise money for endangered wildlife. She came up with a plan that she'd help with household chores and found a charity she wanted to support called Tiger Awareness. We had a look on their site and discovered she could raise money for items such as blankets, mosquito nets, bicycles etc. to help in the fight against poaching.

When we were cleaning up our old house prior to returning the keys, Isabel got a bit bored.

Izzy: "What can I do?"
Mattgreen: "You could help by sweeping the floor or cleaning the windows if you're bored?"
Izzy: "Noooooo... that's BORING!"
Mattgreen: "Can you hear that? That's the sound of a tiger crying because it's so cold... so freezing cold... if only it had enough money for a blanket to keep itself warm..."
Izzy: (looking confused)
Mattgreen: "Or if only the poor tiger had a bicycle... it could cycle into town to keep warm..."
Alicey: (joining in) "Think of the poor tigers! All they've ever wanted is a 4x4 offroad all-terrain vehicle.. and if you clean that floor, you would be giving them the chance of a lifetime!"
Izzy: "OK, OK... I'll clean it".

I know a song...

August 18, 2009

I'm sorry to say that yet another thing missing from my childhood was an introduction to this very lovely song. Apparently it is traditional to sing it over and over again whilst on long car journeys with one's parents. I wish I had known it when I was young, as I imagine it would have been quite hilarious to sing it thirty-thousand times on the way to Cornwall/Scotland. Unfortunately I missed out on that particular pleasure.

Mattgreen finally introduced me to the joys of 'I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves' when I was about thirty, and I have often sung it since when I'm bored. This has somewhat pained Mattgreen, as he hates repetition, and I am sure has regretted at leisure having ever taught it to me. Oh well!

Anyway, we were busy cleaning our rented house in the hope of getting our deposit back. I was bored, and I do not enjoy cleaning, and I may have mentioned both those facts several times as we approached our 7th hour of cleaning. I decided that the time had come for a lovely rendition of the aforementioned musical piece.

However, I decided to sing it in the style of opera. I sang the high parts, wavering on the arias, and Isabel joined in singing the main melody. Finally, Mattgreen joined in with the baritone, and we all sang a beautiful version in three-part harmony. I wish I'd recorded it, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Maybe you just had to be there...

Tales from Moving House, volume 1

August 17, 2009

Mattgreen: "Oh, you can tell this is an Alicey box. Weighs about six metric tonnes, has FRAGILE written on it in giant letters, and is completely cuboid with no handles".

Alicey: (later) "Oh, you can tell this is a Mattgreen box. It's unsealed, unlabelled and the contents are completely random".

Gifts for the one you love

August 14, 2009

Hello folks! I'm back! We have just moved house so I was without internet for a while there, but don't worry - I have LOADS of hilarious posts to write over the next few days. But first, a little conversation from earlier this evening:

Mattgreen: What's this roll of plastic doing in the hallway?
Alicey: (offhand) Oh, that's my dad's birthday present. It's a car boot liner.
Alicey: (assuming the pause meant Mattgreen was interested) He gave me the reference number, so I know it's the right one.
Mattgreen: (incredulously) Your family are fucked up! It's like my dad saying, "Son, could you get me some 2 x 4 for Christmas? Make sure you get the close-grained stuff, no rubbish!"
Mattgreen: (in Yorkshire old man accent) "Here you go boy, I got you a pound of lead, I thought you might like to do some smelting on your roof joints".
Alicey: Mmmm.
Mattgreen: (singing) All I want for Christmas is mixed agg-re-gate!

Road trip

August 06, 2009

I'm driving and Mattgreen is sitting next to me in the passenger seat. I flick the radio on.

Alicey: Mattgreen! You fixed my radio!
Mattgreen: By 'fixed', you mean I tuned it in?
Alicey: Yes! Last time I tried to listen to Classic FM it sounded like kxkxkxkx (Alicey makes strangulated static noise)
Mattgreen: I never liked DJs who play that kxkxkxkx rubbish anyway.

Later, on the same journey, we are driving down a country lane when we see some guy walking along the path, grimacing.

Alicey: Did you see that guy?
Mattgreen: (clenching his fist) What... that guy walking along clenching his fist in a ball of rage? Yeah... grrrrr! (Fake old man accent) "The countryside makes me really ANGRY! Grrrr! It makes me want to punch some flowers! Grrr!"


August 04, 2009

You know that feeling, when you really want something, and you just can't stop thinking about it? Whenever your thoughts are idle for a moment, they keep turning back to that thing you're desperate for. You find yourself imagining it at inconvenient moments. The urge to just go and get it is growing stronger, and you aren't sure if you can resist? It feels more and more urgent the longer you wait? When it's more than just want, it's need?

Well that's how I feel about this little beauty.

Do It Yourself

August 01, 2009

We're in B&Q, buying decorating supplies for our new house. There is a huge queue so we're using the self-checkouts. As usual, they keep breaking and the girly assistant has to come over a few times to unlock ours.

Finally, we get to the last item, a bottle of white spirit, and the self-checkout beeps and says, "Call assistant - confirm age over 21". I look at Mattgreen and shout, "Oi, you filthy white spirit drinker, now your secret's out!" The girl comes over. Mattgreen says, "Of course I'm going to drink it, how else am I going to get loaded on Friday night?" I say, "You really need to do something about your drink problem," as the girl authorises it. As she walks away, I can see she's not completely sure we're joking...

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