June 28, 2009

Mattgreen got a letter the other day from one of his old universities. It read, "One of the highlights of my first year as Rector of XXX has been the opportunity to meet alumni at events both on campus and throughout the world. It has been wonderful to witness first hand the commitment that so many of our alumni desmonstrate in maintaining strong and supportive links with their former university..." etc. etc.

I thought, "Oh, how interesting, isn't it nice that they want to stay in touch!" I left it out on the side for Mattgreen to peruse with interest on his return from work.

Mattgreen comes in from work, picks up the letter, reads in a falsetto voice, "One of the highlights of my first year as Rector was that time I spanked all the first years *cough* Now give me all your money!" and tosses the letter in the bin.

Mattgreen is obviously not the kind of alumni they are looking for.

Tattoos as contraception?

June 23, 2009

It is Saturday afternoon, and I am sitting in a park at a little music festival with Lee-Anne getting slowly drunk on pints of weak lager in the sunshine. I notice a man nearby has a large tattoo on his leg. It is written in curly script and is difficult to read, but I eventually work out it says 'Danielle'. I point it out to Lee-Anne.

Me: Look at that bloke's tattoo! It took me ages to even read what it said.
L-A: It's probably his daughter, or his girlfriend's name.
Me: (peering at his girlfriend) I'd hate it if someone had my name tattooed on their body.
L-A: What if Mattgreen had "Alicey" tattooed across his chest?
Me: I'd laugh ... then I'd be horrified ... then I'd refuse to have sex with him ever again!

Seriously though - why do people have other people's names tattooed on themselves? Surely even if it's your child, or your mum, or your beloved pet: you wouldn't want to look at their name every single day? And what about when it goes wrong, Katie Price?

I'm quite keen on tattoos - I like Lily Allen's shh! and Angelina Jolie's co-ordinates, and I even think the girl with the 56 stars looks kind of cool - but I just can't get my head around names. I don't think I'd even like my name written on someone else in marker pen... it would just be too weird.

What's in a name?

June 17, 2009

So... Spankcracker. It has a certain ring to it, don't you think?

It all started with the Monty Python string sketch, in which the advertising company's name is Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver,
Vendetta and Prang*.

Mattgreen and I used to work for a company which had quite a lot of contact with architects, who were and indeed still are a source of never-ending derision from Mattgreen. He created a spoof architectural practice called 'Spankcracker and Flange' and used to have shouty pretend mobile phone conversations to impress upon others his view that architects are quite dim.

"Hello, Nicholas Spankcracker here, Spankcracker and Flange, Architects. I've got a jolly nice cardigan on and I wouldn't want to soil it by doing any real work, so if you could just shin up that 16 foot wet ladder and make your way through 10 years of pidgeon poo, I'll be right over here drinking a cappuchino in my Mercedes. Tally ho!"

Later on, Spankcracker made its way into our general vocabulary as a faux swear word. As any parent will tell you, there comes a point in your child's development where you have to stop swearing because if you don't, your child will immediately start copying the filthiest thing you've ever said. And then they will go and say it to Grandma.

Spankcracker is generally used as a noun, to replace other less savory options like 'twat' or 'bastard'. I hope that clears things up!

* Incidentally, the Contractual Obligation Album is completely, hilariously brilliant, and if you have never heard it then you really should.

Problems in the trouser department

June 16, 2009

Mattgreen (pointing to dubious stain on his trousers): What's that?
Me: (laughing) Er.. I think Izzy had something horrible in her pocket and it got on your trousers in the washing machine... or something...
Mattgreen: I've literally only got two pairs of work trousers! I could probably wear that dark green pair...?
Me: No... you can't wear green trousers to the office!
Mattgreen: You say that, but you're not the one facing down a week of wearing the pin-striped spuzzers!
Me: How bad are they?
Mattgreen holds them up. There are several massive, dodgy-looking white stains. We both crack up laughing.
Me: You can't wear those... surely your boss would say something?
Mattgreen: Oh yeah.... (switches to boss's voice) "Listen Matt, I know we have quite a relaxed dress code, but could you please manage to turn up wearing clothes you haven't climaxed all over?"

Knowing your place

June 12, 2009

It's Mattgreen's birthday on Sunday.
Today he brought home a birthday card from his assistant at work.

The birthday card reads:

To the Boss,
Best wishes from your minion x

I'm going to have to work on my management style...

This from the same man who got strip-searched at NY airport for wearing a t-shirt saying "UNA BOMBER"

June 10, 2009

Yesterday we went to the school country dancing festival. You can only see about a quarter of it in the above picture - there were at least a thousand people there.

The folky music started and the dancing began. Hundreds of happy schoolchildren did the do-si-do. Mattgreen gazed upon the idyllic scene, then turned to me and said, "Will you give me 50 quid if I shout "GRENADE!" at the top of my voice?"
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Googlemail chat

June 08, 2009

Matt: no more gardening for me
me: lol! seems the next door neighbour might know more than he's letting on ...?
Matt: curse him
Matt: i'll firebomb his birdfeeder this very evening

Pistachios are still #1

June 02, 2009

TV advert: What's in your perfect love story? A romantic getaway...
Mattgreen (without missing a beat): Yup. And pistachios, tea, cake and a naked woman. In that order.
Alicey: Hey... what d'you mean 'in that order'?!

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