Judge Dredd

October 30, 2009

Isabel and her friend are having a sleepover. They're in my kitchen, arguing over who drew a spiral on the blackboard. They accuse me, then Matt, then each other, then Ludo (!) When everyone denies it was them, they go round again, accusing all and sundry. Isabel says, "I think it was my Mum!". Her friend says, "I think it was your Dad!" Then they start asking us again, "Did you do it?" This has been going on for ten minutes.

Mattgreen (sighing heavily): I bet Judge Dredd never had this problem.
Me: Who's Judge Dredd?
Mattgreen: He is the law. He's judge, jury and executioner.
Me: Does he have kids?

Conversations with my daughter, no. 8734287589

October 24, 2009

It is 10.30 on a Saturday morning. Mattgreen has gone away, so Izzy and I are still lounging around the house in our pyjamas and dressing gowns and slippers. It's pouring with rain outside and the washing machine and tumble drier are both rumbling away in the kitchen. Ludo is snoozing at our feet. Izzy has just been practicing her latest spellings from school.

Me: When you put 'ing' on a word that ends in 'E', you (nearly) always drop the 'E'.
Izzy: Huh?
Me: (scribbling on a pad) So "notice" becomes "noticing".
Izzy: (sounding unconvinced) Oh, right...
Me: Let me think of some other examples... er... (scribbling) "plate" becomes "plating", "skate" becomes "skating"...
Izzy: What's plating?
Me: Oh, you know, like armour plating, like armadillos have.
Izzy: What's an armadillo?
Me: It's a sort of animal...
Izzy: Does it come from Amarillo?

Everybody loves Ludo

October 19, 2009

Ludo and I went for a walk on the Downs on Saturday with Ben Fogle. Cute picture huh?

How To Get What You Want, 7-year-old style

October 17, 2009

Last week Isabel saw the new Innocent ad on telly. They have cunningly placed it on the Pokemon channel (as it is known) so she immediately wanted the fridge magnets they've started putting in their kids' smoothies.

This week they were on special offer so I bought her two boxes. She played happily with the magnets she'd got for a few minutes. Then...

Izzy: We need more of these!
Me: Well I'm not buying any more until you've drunk the smoothies that came with those ones.
Izzy: Mummy, can I have a smoothie for breakfast?


October 05, 2009

On Friday I went on a beautiful walk on the South Downs with Ludo. We met a couple of nice old ladies, I'd guess they were in their eighties. One of them turned to Ludo, who was sniffing her trousers, and said,

"I bet you can smell my pussy!"

I swear to God I am not lying. As soon as she said it I started choking to try to hide my laughter. My eyes bulged. I glanced at the other woman to see if she got it but she totally didn't. I nearly had an aneurysm. It was bloody hilarious.

Harry Potter The First

October 01, 2009

Izzy: I'm going to start reading Harry Potter the First when I finish Matilda.
Me: It's not called Harry Potter the First.
Izzy: That's what it is, though.
Me: What's it actually called?
Izzy: The philo-fo-for's stone.
Me: Philosopher
Izzy: Philofo-for.
Me: Philosopher
Izzy: Phil-offi-sir
Me: Phil-os-sif-er
Izzy: Phil-os-sif-er. What's a phil-offi-cer?

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