Oh dear

December 21, 2005

This morning I woke up at 6.58am. I wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't, so I got up and made pastry. Then I made a batch of mince pies (with homemade mincemeat) before work and brought them into the office still warm.

I am turning into my mother.


December 20, 2005

A few weeks ago...

Isabel and I arrive at her preschool. They have just put up their Christmas decorations, and there is a small table in the entrance with a Nativity scene on it.

Isabel: Oh look, it's the Baby Jesus!
Me: (non-committal) Mrm.

Side note - Isabel has picked up everything she knows about Jesus from preschool/nursery. I try to stay out of religious stuff because I so totally don't believe in it. When she's old enough she can decide for herself what to believe in.

Isabel (loudly): You don't like Baby Jesus, do you Mummy?
(Preschool teacher turns round sharply and glares at me)
Me: Er, shhh! Don't say that!
Isabel: But you don't! You think he's rubbish!

Outstanding views

December 18, 2005

I went to a conference for work a few weeks ago, and I picked up some leaflets about accountancy software. As you do.

On the way back to the office, I was reading through the literature on the train and I came across one which had a nice shiny glossy brochure.

It had some blurb about the company, then it said:

Based in Lincoln and set in a relaxing, picturesque waterside location for all our staff and visitors to enjoy.

I was so gobsmacked by the photograph that I barely even noticed the appalling grammar.

When they said 'picturesque waterside location', I was expecting a flowing river, perhaps a beautiful lake. It seems that what they actually have is a concrete pond in a car park. Niiiiiice.


December 17, 2005

The night before Isabel's birthday, I was preparing food for her party in the kitchen. I'd bought some cocktail sausages from Waitrose because I feel bad about buying testicle-and-eyelid pre-cooked ones prepackaged in Asda. I was cooking them when Mattgreen appeared, sniffing the air optimistically.

Mattgreen: What are you making? Mmmm, I want one, what are they?
Alicey: Those ones are pork, apricot and lovage. You're not allowed them, they're for the children.
Mattgreen: I want some lovage. I never get any lovage! Where is the lovage?
Alicey: You wouldn't know what lovage was if it bit you on the ass.
Mattgreen: (sings) I wanna know what lovage is!

Even now, over a month later, this conversation cracks me up.

Meeting my Morrissey

December 15, 2005

I went swimming at the gym tonight and I saw Morrissey in the jacuzzi.

He was lying with his face tilted back and his eyes closed. A classic Morrissey pose. Each time I swam towards the jacuzzi I checked again. Same haircut, same cheekbones, same age. It had to be him. I must've checked about 10 times, and couldn't see anything to suggest that it wasn't him. It had to be him.

Morrissey was my childhood hero. Today, I am wearing a faded swimming costume; a little bit overweight; legs a week unshaven; no makeup on. This is not how I imagined meeting Morrissey. What am I going to do, go up to him and say, "Hello, are you Morrissey?" What am I going to say next? "I really liked Bona Drag". That'll sound ridiculous. What the hell is Morrissey doing in the jacuzzi in a backwater gym near Dudley anyway?

I ponder for a few more lengths. Even if it is him, I can't bring myself to speak to him. I've waited 15 years to meet him, and now I can't even say hello.

Suddenly, he lifts a hand up to wipe his face. He's wearing a wedding ring. That can't be Morrissey... He stands up. He is wearing red, sporty shorts. That's definitely not Morrissey. He leaves. I feel suddenly relieved. I'd rather never meet him than meet him and not have the courage to speak.

My science course - result

You might remember that I spent 9 months studying for my Open University science foundation course.

I got my result last week.

Some of you will remember me tearing my hair out about an essay on Titan for my End of Course Assignment. I got 94% on that assignment.

My overall grade was 93%. That's enough for the Distinction I was aiming for.

And the icing on the cake? There was an overly-competitive bloke on my course who was always asking what I got for my assignments and I would never tell him. I couldn't face having him gloating over me if I didn't do as well as him. Of course, he was single with no commitments so he didn't have the same pressures as me. Also, he had a job which involved physics so he had a bit of background, whereas science was my worst subject at school and I had to drag myself through the course kicking and screaming.

He called me the day he got the results to tell me what he got, and find out what I got.

I KICKED HIS ASS! He didn't even get a distinction. How we laughed!! (Well, I did. Inwardly, obviously).

I am slightly ashamed to say that I'm more pleased to have beaten him than I am to have got the distinction. I guess my competitive streak hasn't gone away just yet.

Mr Muddle

December 14, 2005

I quite often leave small piles of things on the bottom step of the stairs waiting to go upstairs. I also leave things on the post at the top of the stairs that need to go down.

I think this is normal behaviour.

Mattgreen, however, seems not to notice these things, and happily trots up and down the stairs without ever moving any of the items to their correct floor.

I find this infuriating.

Recently, as he stepped over piles of papers and toys waiting to go upstairs, I challenged him about it.

Later that day, Mattgreen noticed the copy of Mr Muddle that has been lying around on the post at the top of the stairs for days. Unlike the other items on the post, Mr Muddle didn't need to come downstairs; it had simply been dumped there. Nevertheless, Mattgreen brought it downstairs as a matter of principle.

While tidying up, I noticed Mr Muddle was downstairs when it should've been upstairs, so I put it on the bottom step. Later, I noticed Matt had moved it back up onto the post. I challenged him about his behaviour.

Apparently, Mr Muddle has become caught in an infinite space-time loop.


December 13, 2005

The new design is not finished.

To do list:

* Add proper background
* Get the logo to match up to the text box in Internet Explorer
* Fix that CSS thing with percentages and pixels (don't ask)
* Get my Flickr pictures back
* Restore the archives

Simon is too busy to help out for six weeks, and I've spent 2 hours fiddling with CSS and that's more than I have time for already.

These things will come. In the meantime, I have many, many entries waiting to burst forth. Merry Christmas and thanks for waiting.

JCB Song

December 08, 2005

I don't use my posting priviledges here very often, but this is wonderful:


I heard it on Jo Whiley's show a few weeks ago, the video is sweet though. Made me cry when I heard it.


Anyway... I'm off to discuss monster trucks, gansta rap and sport.

Cheers to Jared at 23x for the link.

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