Lunchbox announcement

March 25, 2010

I asked Izzy whether she enjoyed her lunch at school today.
Her reply?

"One of my plums was the hardest and sourest thing ON EARTH. The other one wasn't much better but I choked it down".

Oh dear.

Homophobic hotel

March 22, 2010

Yesterday I read this article about a gay couple who were refused entry to a B&B because the owner said it 'went against her principles'.

And although it is quite clearly discrimination, I felt a bit sorry for the B&B owner. After all, it was her house and if it was going to make her uncomfortable having them there, should she really be forced to? I mean, if I ran a B&B and a couple came to stay who were loudly and offensively racist, surely I would be within my rights to refuse to allow them stay in my house because it went against my principles?

And secondly - why would the couple want to stay somewhere where they were going to be clearly and obviously unwelcome? I was trying to explain this to Mattgreen when I came up with the idea of the Tory guesthouse. Imagine staying at a B&B where the landlady provided complimentary copies of the Daily Mail in every room, and chattered over breakfast about how all the immigrants should go back to where they come from and how this country has gone to the dogs since Tony Blair got hold of it. Imagine all the fixtures and furnishings were blue, and there was a huge framed photograph of Margaret Thatcher over the dinner table...

I am joking, of course, but it's not funny really. Ooh, I dunno, I dunno! Part of me says it's still homophobia and it's against the law so therefore it was categorically wrong of her to refuse entry.

But on the other hand, I would really hate to be told that I had to let someone into my home if they had a lifestyle which (rightly or wrongly) I found totally abhorrent. I'd probably flat out refuse ... and that's exactly what she did.


Front door personality test

March 20, 2010

Mattgreen and I were browsing online for a new front door today. I came across this website where if you click on 'Doors' you can choose the style, colour, handle etc that you want. We were messing around with it and having a discussion about what colour door we should have.

Mattgreen: What about sage green?
Alicey: No way. We aren't having green. Definitely not green. What about blue?
Mattgreen: The blue is okay.
Alicey: Well, I could live with blue. But my favourite is still the red.
Mattgreen: Ugh, red! The sage green is loads nicer.
Alicey: Red is the most popular colour for front doors isn't it?

(Alicey types "what is the most popular colour for front doors" into Google. Various results come up including a website titled "What your front door says about you")

Alicey: I'm going to tell you what it meeeeeeeeeans!!
Mattgreen: What does green mean?
Alicey: "I am traditional at heart and prefer to blend in with the crowd rather than stand out from it," ha ha haa!! And guess what red says?
Mattgreen: What?
Alicey: "I am not afraid of speaking my mind, and will not think twice if something’s not to my liking"!! (collapses in fit of giggles) How did they KNOW?

We are going to have a red door. Obv.

A day at the seaside.

March 14, 2010

Today we went to the beach. It was very beautiful:


We came across this chunky boardwalk thing leading into the ocean. Izzy and I were standing on it but there were quite a few boards missing.

Mattgreen: Looks like somebody's had a few of those boards to make raised flowerbeds.
Alicey: No... they probably just floated away or something.
Mattgreen: Yeah... 3 inch thick timber bolted to a frame ... I'd get off there if I were you, that sucker could just float away at any minute.


We don't go to the seaside all that often and it never fails to amaze me that every time we do, Ludo has a go at drinking the seawater. She never seems to remember that it was disgusting last time.

Alicey: Ludo's drinking salt water again.
(Ludo looks up, looking disgusted. Sea water drips from her jaws)
Mattgreen: (in growly faux-Ludo voice) "Mmm salty ... this not so good, it make me want to have a drink! I is going to have a nice drinkie from this lovely puddle. Ohhhh... NO! NOT AGAIN!! I's been TRICKED!"


Family conversation around the dinner table

March 10, 2010

Me: When I was at secondary school, my friends and I used to buy these long thin packs of bubble gum for 10p, and then we used to stand on the steps of the temporary hut and have spitting competitions.
Isabel: Ugh! YUCK!
Mattgreen: (sanctimoniously) I was brought up not to behave like that.
Me: I'm sure my mother would argue that she hadn't brought me up to behave like that either. She said it was uncouth and she didn't think I should chew bubble gum because it's not suitable for young ladies.
Mattgreen: (deadpan) Your mother never has been a fan of evidence-based theories.
Isabel: (with a sense of urgency) Can you not bring me up like that please? When I'm older, please can you stop me from buying bubble gum?
Me: (laughing) NO! No way! You can buy as much bubble gum as you like!

This follows on from a conversation with my parents at the weekend, where they dragged up their favourite anecdote from my teenage years for the billionth time.

One weekend when they were away and I'd had a few drinks, I decided to paint my bedroom wall black. The only paint I could find was gloss, but knowing absolutely nothing about DIY, that didn't stop me. Apparently it was a bit of a pain in the arse to get off.

Anyway, I pointed out to them that the reason I'd done it was because I knew that if I'd asked them nicely if I could paint my wall black, they would've said, "No way". So I took the opportunity to do it first and ask later.

With Isabel, I intend to let her do anything I consider borderline reasonable. I'd let her paint her room black, I'd let her have her nose pierced, I'd take her to the O2 to see a band with her friends, and so on. My parents said no to virtually everything so I stopped listening altogether. I'm hoping I can bypass the drama of my teenage years by being permissive.

It helps that Izzy has half Mattgreen genes, and therefore is much less reckless and much more self-regulating than I was. Although sometimes I wonder whether I am going to end up as Edina to her Saffy...

I may lack essential life skills but I know how to have a good argument...

March 07, 2010

On Friday I bathed Ludo so she is super-mega-fluffy and shedding everywhere. On Saturday morning, Mattgreen was brushing Ludo.

He decides this is the moment to bollock me for noticing a clump of dog hair on the coffee table, saying "What's that doing there?", picking it up and throwing it on the floor.

Mattgreen: "I'm going to quote a made-up Alicey statistic here and say 87% of people wouldn't have just thrown that on the floor, they would've put it in the bin".
Alicey: Well I knew you were going to be sweeping up later anyway so it made no difference.
Mattgreen: It does make a difference!
Alicey: Not for 13% of people!!
(Pause. Dog hair drifts off the dog and lands delicately on the sofa)
Alicey: (shrieking) Look, there's dog hair going on the sofa now ...
Alicey: (in nagging voice) Well I hope you're going to throw that on the floor when you've finished!

Tattoos in the future

March 03, 2010

Alicey: Mattgreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! We have to go to High Wycombe before my birthday!
Mattgreen: Why?
Alicey: Because I need to get my tattoo redone.
Mattgreen: Why?
Alicey: Because I had it done when I was 17, and now I'm 34, so as long as I get it done before my birthday it will have been exactly 17 years!
Mattgreen: (looks at me strangely)
Alicey: I reckon it needs redoing every 17 years! In another 17 years I'll be ... (scrunches up face in concentration) ... er...
Mattgreen: Come on now, don't you know your 17 times table?
Alicey: Fifty-something!
Mattgreen: Fifty-one.
Alicey: Yes! I shall be fifty-one. By then I'll probably want to have it removed.
Mattgreen: You'll be able to get that done on the internet by then.
Alicey: Or I'll just be able to stick my arm up against a panel on the wall and it'll go "Nnnnnnnnnnhhhr" and it'll be gone!

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