I am in bed, reading a diet magazine.

Mattgreen looks over my shoulder and reads out loud, unable to disguise the hint of disgust in his voice. "Shepherd's pie, made with minced lamb, carrot, onion, celery and canned chopped tomatoes". Mattgreen pauses for dramatic effect, then continues. His voice conveys most of the synonyms for disgust: abhorrence, distaste, loathing, nauseation, revulsion. "...topped with mashed swede and potato. Serve with peas and spinach!"

I laugh. Mattgreen continues, "... and for dessert... a box of matches! Then later on, you can caramelise the sugar on your low-fat creme brulee with your arse-torch".