Me: Oberion commented on my insomnia post today that I should go back to working out. He's right of course.
Mattgreen: Yeah.
Me: Maybe we should start playing tennis every day?
Mattgreen: I'd die.
Me: You'd get used to it.
Mattgreen: What, death?

Just around the corner from our house, next to our driveway, there's a really massive house. Some old guy lives there, and sometimes I see him when I'm getting the car out. He is probably about eighty years old and he shuffles randomly around his lawn, muttering to himself.

Today I was reversing out of our drive when Matt said, "I'm pretty sure that old dude next door doesn't drive an Evo V". I turn to look, and there, parked on old dude's drive, is a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution that looks a lot like this.

Mattgreen: (in crackly old man's voice) "Well, Doris, I'm just going to pop down the shops and get that pound of butter you wanted, and a can of Pedigree Chum. I won't be long, love".
(pause)
Mattgreen: (at high volume) "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHH NNNNNNNNNNHHHHH GrrrrrrrrGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn SHHHRRIiiiiiiiiiieeeeek!!!"

Lately I've been having problems with insomnia. Normally I don't have any trouble sleeping, but I think the combination of stress at work + moving house has brought it on. (Yes - we're moving again - for the seventh time in seven years, if anyone is still counting).

My solutions so far include:

• Get up and go food shopping in the 24 hour supermarket with all the Polish shelf stackers
• Get up, drink tea and play Magic online, then take the dog for a walk once it's light
  
• Get up, drink coffee and have a shower, then update my blog.

Obviously once I do these things I can't get back to sleep, so then I have to function all day feeling exhausted. But going back to bed is pointless because nine times out of ten I can't get back to sleep anyway, so I figure I may as well do something useful.

If you have any suggestions for things I can do in the middle of the night, please post them in the comments :)

"Woah... that's a big one. Does he bite people? Can you shout "KILL" and make him bite people?"

Answers:

Yes, she is rather large.
No, not unless they are drunk and lairy.
No, unfortunately...

• Watch Grange Hill (aged 12). Reasoning: "It's all about drugs" (I guess the whole 'Just Say No' part passed her by)
• Watch Eastenders (ever). Reasoning: "It's not suitable"
• Wear jeans. Reasoning: "It's common"
• Go to the school disco (aged 10). Reasoning: "You're too young"
• Go trick or treating or indulge in any kind of Hallowe'en fun. Reasoning: "It's not Christian"
• Have my ears pierced (aged 9). Reasoning: "I haven't had mine pierced and I'm older than you"
  
• See 15-rated films (aged 14). Reasoning: "It's illegal"
• Lick yoghurt pot lids. Reasoning: "It's uncouth" (I can kind of accept this one)
  
• Buy clothes from the market or anywhere else other than parentally-sanctioned shops (aged 15). Reasoning: "Those scruffy clothes make you look like a tramp"
• Eat chewing gum or bubble gum. Reasoning: "It's common"
• Swearing - not even 'crap' or 'gob' (ever). Reasoning: "It's crude"

I was talking to Izzy in the car the other day, and telling her some of these. She was so shocked, she sucked her teeth and shrieked, "that's so UNFAIR!" on my behalf. Maybe this explains why I'm such a lackadaisical dictator when it comes to parenting?

I'm standing outside a shop with Ludo, stroking her absentmindedly, waiting for MattGreen. An elderly gentleman, probably in his seventies, stops and stares at me. Then he says:

"If I get down on my hands and knees, will you do that to me?"

OMG.

Warning: do not read unless you're prepared to cry with laughter

Awkward Family Photos - this has been doing the rounds, but is absolute comedy gold.

Emails from an Asshole - this guy emails people who've put ads up on Craigslist to wind them up, then posts the funny responses. I've had tears rolling down my cheeks reading this. Enjoy!
(Start with Pube Stylists and Ride to Bonnaroo).

1. Own chickens
2. Buy a pair of Louboutins
3. Continue playing a racquet sport
4. Do a parachute jump
5. Live in a house for a decade
6. Teach my daughter to cook
7. Go back to working full-time, doing something I find fulfilling
8. Visit Northumbria, in particular Alnwick
9. Run a marathon
10. Eat in a 3 Michelin starred restaurant

Is anybody else watching One & Other? I keep finding myself wandering back to see who's on there now, and end up watching for hours. Last night I watched a man playing the bassoon for his entire hour.

It's like Big Brother without the wannabees. I'm not watching BB this year because it's become too contrived. I preferred BB when it had just ordinary people in it, being normal, and One & Other is pretty much exactly that. It's really cool.

When I first heard about it I didn't think it was art, but now I'm pretty much convinced it definitely is. Lately I've been having trouble sleeping, but that doesn't seem so bad now there's something to watch in the middle of the night. I'm going to miss it when it's over, and it's only just begun.

At the school fete, one of the stalls had a guy playing four games of chess at a time, with a sign saying, "Beat the Master". Of course, Mattgreen couldn't resist having a pop at him. Meanwhile, Izzy sat down to play against one of her classmates, let's call him Billy.

I come over and start watching. Isabel says straight away, "I'm only playing for fun, Billy already beat me in the first game".

I watch for a minute or so. Then Billy picks up his queen, takes Izzy's rook, then moves diagonally and takes her king. He places the rook and the king on the side of the board and says, "Your go!"

I say, "Er, you can't take her king!" He goes, "Oh yeah. Which one is it that can double take?" The chess guy turns half an eye away from his four games and says, "You're thinking of draughts, Billy".

Billy puts the king back. I say, "Check!" as his queen is now in line with Izzy's king. Izzy moves the king back one space, then Billy immediately takes it with his queen. I say, "You can't do that! The king was still in check!" Billy looks at me, confused. I show Izzy where to move her king.

Billy says, "You're not allowed to move your king backwards!"
Mattgreen says wearily, "Yeah you are. No wonder Izzy lost the first game! You're cheating like a madman!"

Meanwhile, Mattgreen is losing. He discovers the chess-playing guy is actually a real Master, and hasn't lost a single game at this year's fete or at last year's either.

On the way home Mattgreen says, "Right, that's my goal for the year sorted out then!" I guess the electronic Kasparov will be coming out of its box forthwith.

Our household is fairly anti-tennis at the moment. Mattgreen always mutters darkly that I spend the whole of June glued to the television, sneezing. Izzy thinks it's monstrously unfair that I'm watching TV for five or six hours a day when she's only allowed ONE measly hour on anything with a screen. To add insult to injury, I'm often reading the Wimbledon website and watching Wimbledon on telly at the same time...

I've developed a thick skin to all this and as usual have absolutely adored lazing on the sofa, shouting at the telly and leaping to my feet when a critical point is scored. I've seen some great matches and (despite the hayfever) it's been fabulous. In fact, I think it's been even better than usual because I've been having tennis lessons recently so now I know exactly how hard it is to pull off some of these shots.

So, without further ado, my predictions. I predict that Federer will crush Haas like a bug in straight sets. I predict Murray and Roddick will play four sets, and I'm going to go with Murray because his quarterfinal was less stressful, Murray's a few years younger, and he's got a good record vs. Roddick. Roddick's wife is much more of a babe than Murray's girlfriend though, so I'm sure that'll be some consolation....

Then on Sunday, I reckon the cardiganned buffoon will come through in three or four sets against Murray. There's too much at stake for Federer to let this one slip through his fingers. He loves showing off more than anything else, and his enormous ego would be crushed if he let some Scottish whippersnapper rob him of his special record-breaking 15th grand slam. So no - I don't think Murray will win. Maybe next year....?