The diet of cruel misery drags endlessly onwards

March 26, 2011

Today I had butternut squash risotto, usually one of my favourite meals. Made without the use of wine or parmesan, it suddenly lost its appeal. Grim.

Mattgreen has gone away to visit our friends in Leeds for the weekend. If it was me going, I would've abandoned the diet without a moment's hesitation. Sadly, in order to avoid monstrous hypocrisy, I therefore had to grant Mattgreen a three-day exemption. He decided to start early and have something other than prawn salad for lunch at work on Friday, and is probably drinking beer and eating great mountains of wheat as we speak. Grr.

In other news, this week I've been ill with a cold. I never get ill and I never get colds. It was one of those really horrible brutal knock-you-out colds and I spent Wednesday blatantly disregarding the rules on how many different kinds of paracetamol you're meant to have in a day. It was vile. Stupid diet, lowering my immune system...

On Friday, there will be bacon sandwiches for breakfast, and maybe croissants too, and lovely sandwiches and home-made chocolate cake for lunch, and some sort of chicken pasta for dinner, and lots of wine.

Only another 131 hours to go! Actually only 130 because the clocks go forward tonight - yesssss!

Remind me never to do this diet again.

Two weeks in ... the verdict so far

March 16, 2011

Thought I should post an update on crazy diet. It's been two weeks now and I have lost a grand total of:

............................................ half a pound!

Hmm. Not great. I've been eating loads of nuts and dried fruit so maybe that's why. But probably it's because my diet was actually pretty healthy before. If I'd eaten nothing but takeaways and cake and full fat Coke and beer before I started this diet, I probably would be feeling a lot healthier by now, but I didn't. Strangely though, I feel exactly the same. I don't have more energy, I don't feel happier, I don't feel better in any way. Mattgreen agrees.

Furthermore, this diet is really boring. I'd forgotten just how mind-numbingly dull restrictive diets can be. There is such a limited choice of snacks that I am utterly bored of all of them already. Mattgreen also complains that he is hungry. And bored.

Did I mention that we're bored?

However, as we're halfway through now and I've already planned next week's meals, we might as well see it out. I've discovered that there's no benefit in giving up wheat at all. I like wheat. I especially like bread and pasta. It's a lot harder to put together fast meals when you can't have wheat. And giving it up doesn't make me feel better, and it's not bad for you, so why bother?

I haven't found giving up meat difficult at all. And I don't miss chocolate/biscuits/crisps as much as I thought I would. And giving up cheese is easy. I do miss alcohol but there's no doubt it's doing me good. Matt and I are both sleeping really well for a start. But giving up wheat has been painful.

We've had a few wobbles - I had wine at the weekend at a dinner party (it would've been rude not to) and I had a tiny bit of Parmesan in a restaurant. Mattgreen had cake, roast chicken, and a glass of wine. But on the whole we're doing really well at sticking to it.

Homemade granola - this stuff is GORGEOUS.

Brilliant quote

March 10, 2011

Our local newspaper amuses Mattgreen and I greatly. Where we used to live, the paper was full of news of stabbings and muggings and burglaries. Here in leafy Sussex, there is precious little to keep the reporters busy.

So we end up with gems like the article in this week's rag complaining about those green cabinets that BT put up to store their cables in. According to the paper: "The installation of one of these cabinets across a pensioner's front window has sparked calls for a rethink".

There is a photo of said pensioner, along with the parish councillor, the district councillor and the local MP, all standing next to the cabinet. One of them is holding a tape-measure and looking serious. FFS! Have they nothing better to do?! There's no sign of the house in the photo at all.

In the article it states that the cabinet is in fact on the grass verge on the other side of the man's garden hedge. Hmm. So there's a pavement, a hedge, his entire front garden, and then his window between him and the box. The pensioner says, "the view from my window is ruined".

Hilariously, the district councillor, who is clearly a Daily Mail reader, wades in. He rages preposterously, "This mammoth sized cabinet has been irresponsibly located and sticks out like a sore thumb. Mr So-and-so's view from his living room window, which means so much to him, now has no quality as he has to look out onto the miserable bottle green of the hideous cabinet".

Shaggy dog story

March 07, 2011

This morning, Ludo was being her usual naughty self. We were on her walk and she had wandered off into the field to chow down on a tasty cow poopsicle.

I called her, she ignored me. I called her again, she kept scoffing.
Eventually I got to the metal gate and shouted, "If you don't come now I'm going without you," as if she was a misbehaving small child. Ludo just stood there. If she could speak, she would've mumbled, "Nom nom nom," with her mouth full.

I said, "FINE, suit yourself!", slammed the gate shut and walked round the corner into the next field. 'Damn dog,' I thought. 'This time I'm going to teach her a lesson'. I hid behind the bushes and bobbed up and down, peering between the twigs so I could watch Ludo finish her impromptu breakfast and run towards the gate. She got to the gate and snuffled around. Confused, she wandered about a bit. 'Ahaha!' I thought. 'Now she can't find me and she's getting worried!'

Feeling increasingly smug and triumphant, I was surprised to see Ludo's ears suddenly prick up, the way they do when she sees something interesting. Then I noticed a small terrier had run up behind me and was approaching the gate. I stood up and realised that the terrier's owner had just walked across the field behind me. For the last 30 seconds she had, without a doubt, clearly seen me hiding behind the bush.

"Oh! Ha ha," I laughed nervously as I emerged from the bushes. The woman looked at me like I was a total nutter. "I was just hiding from my dog!" I explained as I opened the metal gate. The woman looked at me as if to say that her suspicions had been confirmed. The terrier ran through the gate. I said, "Well, erm, nice to meet you!" as the woman beat a hasty retreat in the opposite direction.

"Thanks Ludes," I muttered under my breath, putting her firmly back on the lead.

This month I am mostly eating....

March 05, 2011

... well, quite a lot more than you might think!

Things that are allowed:

  • Fish (all)
  • Low fat dairy products, e.g. skimmed milk, low fat yoghurt, eggs
  • Rice/cous cous/quinoa
  • All fruit and vegetables
  • Oat-based cereals including porridge and granola
  • Rice cakes/oat cakes/Ryvita
  • Quorn
  • Beans, lentils, etc.
  • Nuts and seeds
  • Coffee, tea, juices, smoothies, diet Coke

  • When you read through that list, it's really not that bad. For breakfast we've had porridge with fruit and maple syrup, or home-made granola with plain yoghurt. For lunch I've been having soups, jacket potatoes, salads (with rice/cous cous or mixed beans) and Innocent veg pots.

    Dinners I've got planned include: vegetable curry with rice, tomato and aubergine bake, Mexican corn tortillas with green lentil filling and salad, kedgeree, Quorn tagine with cous cous, Smoked mackerel risotto, tuna fish cakes, vegetable stew, Quorn meatballs in tomato sauce, bean chilli with rice.

    For snacks I've been eating tons of nuts (usually I don't let myself eat these as they are too high in fat, but as my diet otherwise contains virtually zero fat I have gone to town!), dried fruit, low fat fruit yoghurt, hummous and crudites, popcorn (homemade), sugar-free sweets. Mattgreen has pointed out that other sugary treats such as jelly babies and Haribo are strictly speaking permissable but I'm saving those for emergencies!

    The hardest part is the lack of alcohol. It's weird (and not in a good way) being stone cold sober on a Saturday night. I do feel happier though, and I've got loads of energy. So all is well.

    So far, so good...

    March 04, 2011

    Mattgreen and I have been on crazy diet for two days.

    Today I went shopping and managed to spend £128 on a week's food without buying any meat or alcohol. I did buy an obscene quantity of dried fruit and nuts though. And £18 worth of salmon. And a new mascara :)

    Hopefully all these things will make the next few weeks pretty easy. So far the food side of it isn't a problem. I like the things I can eat, and I feel good. I've been to Zumba tonight and have plenty of energy. I'm not missing drinking ... yet.

    It's a piece of cake!

    Crazy diet starts tomorrow!

    March 02, 2011

    My birthday (also known as Christmas in April) is next month. I have already got four celebratory occasions planned for it, and all of them involve eating and drinking.

    Therefore I've decided to go on a diet. I don't really need to lose weight, but I figure if I lose some now, I will look fabulous for my birthday and afterwards I won't feel all fat and bloated because I will've just regained what I've lost.

    Also, I've been feeling a bit miserable lately. I don't know why - it could just be random, it could be because it's winter and it's hard to be full of joy when it's pissing it down and you have to trek through mud with the dog at 6.30am, it could just be a passing phase. Anyway, I figured that it would be good to have a challenge, and hopefully it will cheer me up because this sort of detox makes me feel amazing. Well, right after the part where I feel like UTTER SHIT.

    So, starting tomorrow, for the whole of the rest of March, I am giving up:

    Wish me luck. I'll post regularly on how I'm getting on, so I apologise in advance for navel-gazing/bursts of rage/boredom in the extreme...

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