February 27, 2005

yesterday afternoon, mattgreen took isabel off to visit his dad so that i could study. they're coming back this morning.

i did do some studying. but i cannot tell a lie.

i also went shopping. i chatted to my brother for an hour. i surfed the internet. i played world of warcraft. i stayed up until 1am, and then laid in bed until 10am. TEN AM!!! that's the lie-in of the gods!

i woke up this morning in my beautiful clean white sheets and it was one of those bright sunny crisp winter's days, and i put some music on the stereo (the killers - hot fuss - my favourite album by miles at the moment) and ate my breakfast in our lovely bright white-carpeted lounge.

i just can't get over how great it feels to have the house to myself. it's the first time i've been alone in this house overnight since we moved here, and it feels the way it used to feel when i lived alone at the co-op, before i had isabel. i always loved living by myself.

most people won't admit this, but when you have children, you lose a part of yourself. of course, you gain a lot - i wouldn't swap isabel for the world - but some little things just disappear. i used to love listening to music but i rarely do anymore (isabel will just start demanding to have HER music on, and the subsequent screaming argument is more hassle than just not having mine on). i don't have time to read the paper. i virtually never sleep until i wake up. you can't be spontaneous and say, "oh fuck it, lets just go down the pub," or "let's stay up all night playing magic," or "that's it, i'm coming to see you RIGHT NOW," and just jump in the car and drive somewhere in the middle of the night.

i am - or do i mean was? - a very impulsive person and i've had to kerb that tendency in order to be a responsible parent. i do miss the old alice. having the house to myself is like a little spark of the old me. going to bath is another. i almost feel like i'm stepping back into my old shoes. and my god, it feels good.

i guess one day, when isabel grows up and leaves home, maybe things will go back to that. mattgreen and i alone together, free to just go out for meals and visit friends and go away for the weekend without any hassle. i do think that we will have changed by then though - i probably won't be such an impulsive person anymore. i have already changed so much compared to what i was like in my early twenties.

before i had children i had no idea how precious my freedom was.

> i've had to kerb that tendency

It's curb
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